Amateur Drama Queen in Training
I mean, come on, how many versions of the same film do you need?!
At the moment the trend seems to be to release theatrical version first, closely followed by the digital version, the extended version, the director’s cut, the extended director’s cut, the standard box set, the enhanced box set, and the preferred caretakers cupboard version.
I can’t sleep. My mind refuses to be silent. Possible scenarios scorching through my brain like hot coals refusing to cool. This waiting is the worst, at least before she was there, I could ask her how she felt. But that isn’t an option now, she’s in the next town, in a hospital ward, and all I can do is worry – is she ok? is she worried? has she been able to sleep?
This is unknown territory for me, I’ve never been a worrier, and I hardly ever see the glass as half empty. But this is different. This is my mother. I’m scared something will go wrong, that she won’t come round after the operation, or the operation will prove its more extensive than they initially thought. There are so many things that could go wrong. I’m mentally listing all possible scenarios based on her ailments in my head and calculating a risk factor.
I think I’m going mad. I’d like to shut down my brain for a while because it’s starting to hurt.
I’m finding more and more that those who offered their support in the early stages didn’t really mean it. Unless you offer the typical English rhetoric “oh everything´s fine, we’re all absolutely smashing, super in fact” they don’t actually want to know. No one is really interested in hearing, “well, no everything isn’t alright and no I don’t think a cup of tea will fix it”. Maybe it’s just me, maybe the fact I am having such a hard time dealing with this is too much for most people.
I wish I could sleep.
This afternoon as I sat in the ward I wondered, how genuine are the average persons emotions? I wondered, how many of them cry for themselves rather than the patient. I’ve heard a lot of me, me and er me just recently. I noticed not once did this come from my mothers direction.
How many show exagerated emotion to cover just how detached they feel inside?
When I said I frequently felt detached from people it wasn’t merely to illustrate how I have a tendency to stand in a corner and twitch at parties. The only things to inspire deep emotion in me to date have tended to have four leg. So you could say this is new territory for me – of course my Mum has always been different, in much the same way I was different for her.
I wish I could sleep. If I had sleep maybe I would make more sense
I had one hell of a rough night last night. I was running a temperature, and felt quite peculiar at several points. Despite this my mind seemed clearer than it had done in a long time. I spent much of the night thinking about pretty much the same issues I raised in my post yesterday which seemed to inspire some controversy in certain parts. Interesting, a lot of things I expected from that posting, controversy wasn’t one. Let me explain.
There are certain things which I don’t actually place on my blog, one of these things are posts about people who might actually read it. So if you do know me, and I know you visit, you can pretty much be certain the content of the posts will never be about you.
But the entry last night did raise some interesting questions that I will later address in my new found level of honesty. I spend a lot of time contemplating self; the gift of self evaluation has always been one of my strong points. I’m aware of my strengths and pretty much all of my weaknesses.
One would be failing is I have a tendency to be something of a loner, and if I continue with this sudden spate of blatant honesty I will go as far as to say I am comfortable with being a loner. I don’t need people as a rule, I occasionally like their company, but I don’t need them. Its a failing nearly every single member of my family suffers from, the tendency to being reclusive. One of my mothers Uncles became a total recluse in later life – disapeared and lived in the middle of nowhere for the duration of his days. This is not uncommon in my family. Yet, despite the fact I state I am happy being a loner, I still refer to it as a ‘failing’. You see it don’t you? In black and white plain as day, mentioned the word failing twice.
This blog is a record of my thoughts, its primary function. It is not there to provide an objective opinion, or to criticise others. It is my record, which I have chosen to make public. Now public invitations at random are fine, but the problem appears when public become friends, and suddenly a compromise has to be made. Do you continue writing as before, without a thought for how your words impact on others? Or do you edit and amend so that you don’t say anything which can be mis-interpreted? I have equipped myself with several rules, one is I never speak of someone I know who is likely to read this blog – mentioned above. It usually works, but since I’ve never mentioned this rule I thought I better now to avoid any further ‘misunderstandings’.
I’ve slipped into the habit of posting meme’s again, and that’s something I said some time ago I was never going to do consistently. Truth is I have had a lot on my mind lately, stuff that I didn’t believe I could post here. That’s ludicrous of course. A couple of bloggers recently have made me sit back and think, whether it be their comments on writing for others, or their premature departure and uncertain return.
A friend of mine commented that I hadn’t been on msn recently. That’s not entirely true. Truth is I blocked you all from seeing me. I didn’t want to talk, I wanted to vegetate in my own world and think, uninterrupted. I’ve been thinking about a lot of things this last week or so. One of the hardest things for me to come to terms with was, for one reason or another, the way I feel about myself and those around me has changed. I needed to come to terms with how I felt, because sometimes the truth can hurt, more so when the truth involves a realisation about oneself. Harder still when you find you no longer feel the same way about friends you once treasured.
Monica reminded me that there is a tendency to a ‘throw away culture’, of friendship as well as material possessions. Since I didn’t want to fall victim to such a wilful dismissal of something as important as friendship I moved. I put the past behind me where it rightly belonged. I hoped I would come out of it all for the better, with the realisation that nothing is so precious as friendship, except I didn’t. Is there a point when you realise that sometimes it is better to move on? or am I just hard and cold as so many have claimed me to be? Better still, if I really put the past behind me will those feelings I once so treasured return?
I once said on someone’s weblog that our blog friendships reflected the same pattern as friendships in our offline lives. As we develop we tend to attract a new set of people. Those who are true friends stay with us to share the journey, those who merely enjoyed the briefest connection, move on.
It is human nature, our feelings for others maintain a friendship when all connection has long since gone. We each change as we grow, we never stop growing, so does it mean therefore that friendships cannot outlast the point when you cease to have anything in common? Are we really such fickle beings? More importantly, am I?
I realise that I have a temperature right now, so maybe my thoughts are a little challenged, so forgive me if eloquence is lacking, or if it not everything I say makes sense.
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