The last few
days weeks months I have been stationary. Worse perhaps in the last couple of weeks as I find myself dwelling on the accident five years ago which stole two very special people from my life prematurely. It is no secret to my friends or my family I have been living in the past. Frequently I declare a resolution to move on, uphold it for a short while, and then something occurs which forces me back into the safe confines of my home.
This last three weeks I have been striving to break out once more from my reclusive lifestyle. It’s hard. Right up until yesterday, although still focused on the past and the things I didn’t have and thought I wanted, I was doing better. Yesterday something occurred which almost forced me back into my home once more. I lost my bag and my Spanish dictionary. Two small, very unimportant things… One contained a personal letter which related very personal feelings – which I do not particularly want people here to know. I am still terrified this letter may yet fall into the wrong hands.
But as I started my usual “retreat to cave” process I took a step back. Did it really matter? The bag had nothing special, the dictionary was old and the letter was just a brief letter talking of my feelings about people in my past, a person in my present and my continued rants about learning Spanish. Instead of continuing to wrap myself in blankets in my cave I decided a change was in order.
Just when I needed it I found the motivating comment over at Gordon´s online abode.
So I´m stealing it and adopting it as my mantra too. I´ve been hitting the pool for some weeks now and am very pleased with the 6 kilo weight loss and health benefits seen during that time. I am making progress. My eating habits are under control. I do not drink alcohol and have cut out sugar almost entirely. I feel so much better for it.
The question is… what comes next? I feel the need for change. I have been moping over the past – reliving it, stressing over it, wishing it were different for so long now and its been impacting my present. I want to let it go and learn to embrace the present. Be a live for now and embrace the possibility of future kind of person.
As for the now, well, just lately all I have been able to see were the things I don´t have. I´ve spent so long wanting this person or that person in my life, desiring a child, wanting a different job… I haven’t done anything about any of it. Just allowed the experiences of my past and fear to hold me back.