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It seems almost criminal to live in one of the most wonderful towns in Spain, in my humble opinion, and be suffering from depression. Post Christmas Blues I understand are fairly common but my depressive episodes just seem a little too frequent over the last few years. Looking back over my archives I am not surprised fembat unhinged has a global reach of, say, one.
Truth is I just feel frustrated and alone. I´ve lost the ability to make friends in the real world and I am not sure how I can remedy that. As I consider this I find myself reflecting back to Pride & Prejudice when Mr Darcy describes himself as being ‘ill-equipped to recommend myself to strangers‘. I am fairly certain that my tendency to being a little reserved / shy on first acquaintance gives the impression and I am standoffish or unfriendly. Neither of which is the case. But I do find it hard to be the one to speak first and do, like Darcy, feel myself ill equipped to recommend myself to others…
I wish I could overcome this.
I guess the first step is to pick up with my Spanish lessons again. I am a world away from being fluent and have been horrendously lazy this last few months. I´ve found a new tutor who is a native of this area and I hope to book some lessons soon. Maybe this will finally lead to mastering the language and escaping the rut I found myself in!
I find Roscon de Reyes irrestible at this time of year – if anything is likely to lead me off the path to weight loss its this Spanish delight! (most especially when filled with nata or crema de trufa). Since my birthday lands on the 5th of the month I generally have a Roscon instead of a birthday cake I love it so much – filled with crema de trufa and nata because I´m greedy!
We ate the final pieces of our Roscon on Saturday for breakfast (shaming I know) and then the staff of Cafeteria Jamaica made it worse by ignoring my denial of a dessert by bringing me a free slice – oh, how I love those guys!
Yesterday, whilst out walking far from home, I received a phone call from relatives back in the UK advising me my Grandmother was seriously ill. Apparently she has had numerous problems with her stomache recently and was admitted to hospital yesterday unconcious. She´s 91 years old. The doctors have warned that, whilst there is hope, it is unlikely she will recover.
I immediately set about running across town to inform Mum. Exactly why I felt the need to run is beyond me because its not like any degree of urgency on my part could change the situation. Result was by the time I entered the house I was ready to calapse in a heap, bright red and gasping for air. The dog, on the other hand, was merely excited from the extra fun. Mum knew even before I told her. Have you noticed how they do this? I do wonder if women are giving some extra cognitive abilities when they become mothers… The ability to read their offspring like a book being just one of them.
Anyway this morning we received word that her condition had improved marginally but she had not regained conciousness. The consultant is visiting her this afternoon.
Until then we wait.
It is a sharp reminder how difficult it is living in a foreign country far aware from family. We are relying on others for news and carrying the additional burden of guilt for not being there. I think, secretly, my Mum regrets not returning to the UK. The guilt ways heavy on her because she fears she will not be able to see her mother again – she feels deep down she has been a “terrible daughter”. It doesn´t help my Grandmother has frequently stated my mother was selfish to seek a life of her own and not stay close to her.
The christmas decorations have been cut back this year owing to the present financial climate. There are fewer than previous years and, apparently, the ayuntamiento are hoping that individual store holders pull their fingers out to make their own stores look extra special this year to make up for the reduced street decorations. The roundabouts have had a makeover this last day though – a lovely snowman decorates a large roundabout coming into Nerja!
